husband, dad, sometimes unappropriate. I get gummy bears drunk and beat things until they're a dead horse
103,036 tweets
7,124 following
525,384 favourites
985 listed
Phoenix, AZ location
2013 since
2 tweets per day


7 tweets
3 replies

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Top Tweets some of the top tweets by @iwearaonesie.

“I missed you too” - me to my dog when I come out of the bathroom
13 Nov, 2019 - 12:32 AM UTC
boss: Why are you late? [flashback to my dog wanting to show me all of his toys] me: Traffic
04 Nov, 2019 - 09:30 PM UTC
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes? me: They’re for the dogs wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs? me: They don’t know how
14 Sep, 2019 - 05:05 PM UTC
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall? me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall? toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands me: Because he has small hands
29 Aug, 2019 - 08:45 PM UTC
*hands wife a note from the grocery store manager telling her that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
21 Aug, 2019 - 05:23 PM UTC
[on the phone] me: Hey dad: Hey me: dad: me: dad: Anyway, here’s your mom
11 Aug, 2019 - 11:39 PM UTC
[2am] toddler [possibly drunk] *wakes me up* Do we have any pizza?
25 Jul, 2019 - 03:46 PM UTC

Top Retweets some of the top retweets by @iwearaonesie.

Annie the Nanny
A muffin is just an ugly cupcake you are allowed to eat for breakfast.
22 Oct, 2019 - 12:38 PM UTC
sarah schauer 🦂
“Panera is gross, it tastes like hospital food.” You have health insurance, we get it.
18 Oct, 2019 - 11:55 PM UTC
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder? McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
18 Oct, 2019 - 01:38 PM UTC
Terry F
[guy who's about to invent croutons] *eating salad* i wish this hurt
16 Oct, 2019 - 09:15 PM UTC
The Alex Nevil, Thanksgiver
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
16 Oct, 2019 - 12:48 AM UTC
Sir Michael
If you've wondered how long it takes to get kicked out of a group chat for suspected espionage, the answer is 6 weeks
08 Oct, 2019 - 07:59 PM UTC
my daughter’s in her first year of middle school and I asked if she plans to go to any of the dances and she said “only if there’s gonna be food”
03 Oct, 2019 - 12:57 PM UTC
Sir Michael
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
04 Sep, 2019 - 07:49 PM UTC
*Baseball Chickie!*
I’ve never been married. I have no children. This isn’t a bad thing. I love my life. Never let society make you feel bad for living your life the way you want to.
06 May, 2019 - 07:55 PM UTC
Katie Didn't
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
26 Feb, 2019 - 08:05 PM UTC
Michelle Spies
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11 ME: Yea CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am ME: Are these questions
25 Jan, 2019 - 09:52 PM UTC
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory] ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to— ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
23 Jan, 2019 - 08:08 AM UTC
Katie Didn't
If you peel the yogurt lid and throw it away without licking it, I’m mad at you.
27 Dec, 2018 - 01:35 AM UTC
Annie the Nanny
I just want to be as happy as I was when my teacher rolled a tv cart into the classroom.
21 Jun, 2018 - 12:08 PM UTC